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Ask SunDog
An underwhelming number of cards, letters, emails, and psychic messages have been coming in this month from both my maginary and imaginary friends offering articles for your enjoyment, asking for advice on where to find interesting rocks, what to do with the rocks when ya find them, what the heck kind of rocks are these anyway, and similar questions. Since I have three pages left to fill up with little black squiggles in this month's newsletter, (Whew, only two pages now, since Les' article came in on time!) and since about a hundred of you guys are paying twenty five bucks a year to read it, I am gonna put some of my imaginary wisdom down for posterity (See how far I will go to make you send me articles?).
Our first letter is from Pet Tralogik, of Gila Bend Arizona, who writes:
Dear SunDog,
One evening last week after we had that cold snap where the temperature dropped down below a hundred fourteen degrees, I was looking for a couple of hefty stones to chuck out in the bushes so I could go get the bedsheets off of the clothesline and get dressed for the meeting without getting bit again. Last meeting I neglected to give the buzztails proper warning, and was so swoll up from them two snake bites that I missed my western line dancing polka lessons two weeks in a row.
Anyhow, the first rock I picked up had a gleam like a new penny, only yeller. It was heavy as a shot glass full of Jim Beam, but it wasn't any bigger than my tooth that fell out last Thursday. (Three more to go, then I get my new Store bought Chompers, hurray!). When I hit the littler snake in the head, you know, the lil six footer, the rock made a kind of a plopping noise, and flattened out, leaving a perfect image of her little diamond shaped noggin in the bottom of it.
I wonder if anyone would be interested in buying a souveneer like this, you might call it a native handicraft, you know. I got a big pile of those soft yeller rocks out by the back door, and I've been sharpen
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ing up my aim to where I can hit that poor ole snake in the head at least six outa ten shots. If you know anyone who will give me fifty cents apiece for the snake faces in the stone handicrafts, I will be able to pay my bar tab and maybe still have money left over to get Gramma some new boxing gloves for the Extreme Cage Battle of the Behemoths coming up next month at Harold's Bar. I hope you can help, as the poor snake is getting to where she won't hardly look me in the eye no more, and we used to have such good times together.
Sincerely,
Pet Tralogik
Dear Pet,
I am sorry to say that the Snakehead in Soft Yeller
Stones market has been mighty soft for the last several months. The last price quote I saw on the Home Shopping Network had the price down below aluminum beer cans (the empty ones). However, and fortunately for you, several of the neighborhood kids have been helping me clear the rocks out of my yard by dropping them from the overpass on the cars flying down the new freeway out north of here, so I got some free space where I can pile some of your soft yeller ploppy stones until the market firms up. Bring 'em by anytime, and I hope yer snake gets feeling better soon.
Sundog
Our next missive is from ThreeFingerd Jake of Klondike, Arizona, Who writes, (but not well),
SunDog, You odiriferous, mangy excuse for a pink eyed prickly pear picking polecat whose momma would laugh at critters that would scare a Polish Sausage maker Half way back to Georgia, But who screamed so loud the dockter dropped his wisky bottle when she first saw you,
How ya been, I been fine,
Except I gotta ask ya to tell all them rock lovers ya like to hang around with to not be coming around here so doggone much all the time! We aint zoned for more than three in a pickup truck out here unless one of ya got horns or udders, and the dust aint (Continued on page 6)
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